The Many Paths We Walk.

There are so many things to do in life, people to meet and places to go. Sometimes I wonder if I am simply wasting my life, not going with more schooling, traveling or changing my life much. But then again, I am someone who tends to simply adjust to my surroundings, as I am afraid of change.

Joined the boys in some Tiger Woods '03 last night. Pretty damn fun game if I say so myself. I pretty much haven't touched video games at home since TBCS, simply not home enough lately. Granted, I do miss the hours upon hours of vegging out on a game, but I've been trying to keep myself busy, and out of the house.

Pretty short and uneventful update, but I gotta run to work. Adios.

Leaf by Leaf page by page
Throw this book away
All the sadness all the rage
Throw this book away
Rip out the binding, tear the glue
All of the grief we never ever knew
We had it all along

Now its smoke
The things we've written in it
Never really happened
All of the people come and gone
Never really lived
All of the people have come have gone

No one to forgive smoke
We will never write a new one
There will not be a new one
Another one, another one
Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time we didn't speak
it seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the
reasons for the tears
They are smoke

Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
They travel
Those who say the past is not dead
Stop and smell the smoke
You keep on saying the past is not dead
Come on and smell the smoke
You keep saying the past is not even past
You keep saying
We are, smoke

El upate-o.

I have discovered that the bars can be quite expensive, even more so if your someone like me who tends to get pretty loose when your plastered. Rounds of shots were had a plenty :) Let's just say I was so drunk that not only was I on the dance floor, but I was in the middle of it bouncing all over the place at two places Friday night. It was a pretty good time. Other than that, about the only things I've been doing lately are working and hanging out with friends. It's just so weird to always have a bestfriend on hand 24/7, that being alone is just a completely alien and uncomfortable feeling.

FVbN was pretty good. I was paranoid that a certain someone was hunting me down, thus I npc'd for a good part of the night. It was a good laugh after the event when things were explained :) As for being there around her, it was weird, and I only had to walk out of one scene, but I dealt with it, and I will have to simply adjust.

Seeing as it's almost 5 am, I need to get some sleep.

P.S. I listened to this the other day, my god does it fit perfectly right now.

Met a girl, thought she was grand
fell in love, found out first hand
went well for a week or two
then it all came unglued

in a trap trip I can’t grip
never thought I'd be the one who’d slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

(Chorus)

she fuckin hates me
trust
she fuckin hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away

she was queen for about an hour
after that shit got sour
she took all I ever had
no sign of guilt
no feeling of bad, no

in a trap trip I can’t grip
never thought I'd be the one who’d slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

Chorus

that’s my story, as you see
learned my lesson and so did she
now it’s over, and I'm glad
‘cause I'm a fool for all I've said

Chorus

la la la la la la la la la love
trust
la la la la la la la la la love
trust
she fuckin hates me

Even dumber.

I type this after going out drinking with her, and then drinking even more at my friends house. Btw, your welcome for the clean toilet, I can't stand pukeing in a dirty toilet. WTF am I thinking? I can barely type this, yet my mind is racing with thoughts, good and bad. Friends, deamons, loves, hates, everything combined into one. Some of the things said to me tonight crushed me more easily than a boulder dropped on me. Yet here I am, to live another night in the shitty game known as life. I may regret some of the things said tonight, or what I left on messages. FUCK IT. A friend told me six months to a year, that is how long it would take before I would forget the love of my life. Of course that is without contact at all. I have contact, and it is so teasing, yet nothing at all. I must go puke again now, goodnight. Fuck you orange juice and vodka.

Pearls of swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for the leaving I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

Still a dumbass.

Yeah, as the title states, I am still stuck on her, and not a god damn thing I can do about it.

Other news? Work, drinking, exercise and dieting. What a life I lead.

It's funny that after my relationship with her, I now take a deeper look into the relationships of people I know, either through friendships or work, and I suddenly have this much more profane look at it. There are so many people I work with, who their significant other basically treats them like shit, but they stick it out because it is what they know. It's a fucked up world we live in.

Once again, I'm slightly drunk, and i'm ever so introspective. Dusto you dumb motherfucker, what the fuck have you done with your life? Barely finished school, fucked up a beautful relationship, work at a mediocre job, but atleast you have some good friends. Guess you can't ask for much more. Bah, i'm getting personal as usual, time to turn the computer off, good night.



Tyler Druden.
I don't know where Tyler found that house on paper
street. I didn't know if he bought it or was
just squatting, neither would surprise me.


What Aspect of Fight Club Are You?
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Perceptions are different.

It's intresting how people can look at the exact same thing, person, place or situation, yet see completely different things.

TBCS was this past weekend and well, it was so-so. Needing to reformat my computer, getting hit with Nimda AND needing a new NIC didn't exactly help the event for me :) Thank you Barren for taking alot of your time out of the event to help me out, much appreciated.

Work has been blah, but it pays the bills. I like most of the people I work with, so I guess that's always a perk.

Kinda slacked off on the exercise thing last week. Two late night movies and getting shit faced a few times put a dent in my schedule. Never fear, I've picked right back up this week. So far the bit I have been doing has paid off, I feel just a bit more energetic, which is what I really want.

I'm all sleep tired, and my cats demand attention, good night.

Movie Mania.

Tuesday = X-Men 2 on the Ultrascreen. Wednesday = Matrix Reloaded on the Ultrascreen. That's almost as many times as I would usually go to the movies in an entire year. Both movies were awesome, few minor gripes, but the good defintly outweighs the bad. I think Perkins gave me bad food, as I've visited the bathroom way too many times today for my comfort, and the comfort of you reading this :)

Enjoyed a nice lunch today with a couple of old friends who I don't get to spend nearly anytime with. Hopefully that can change, and I can get to know some of my friends all over again.

My car is really pissing me off, it demands care, and I don't wish to sink another dime into it. Hopefully it will last until I am in a better situation, and able to replace it. I will have to see.

There's so much I wish to say on here, and of course, I must hold my tongue. I've said way too much publicly about things in my life, and I'll have to be a bit more descreet. On that note, good day.

Memory Lane.

So I was cleaning out the closet in the spare bedroom, and I came across a box I've only opened once or twice in the past 8 years. All I can say is 'wow'. I was flooded with memories, good times, bad times and everything inbetween. School year books, old letters from girlfriends, worthless baseball and football cards, my trophy from track.. when I was seven years old. I even found my old Empire Strikes Back Book/ 33 1/3 record combo! What started as a quick 5 minute pull garbage out and keep the goods turned into a 90 minute flashback session. Even now as I write this I'm stunned by all that has happened in my short life, considering I've lived in the same city for seventeen years now.

Between the ages of seventeen and nineteen I tossed aside two beautiful relationships, simply because I didn't know what I wanted at the time. One moved away, but she only moved to Milwaukee, the other.. I dunno, I guess I was just dumb then. It's ironic that now that I know what I want, I can't have it. I am sure both of them are probably married, with a nice little family going by now. I am so lucky to have met so many wonderful and unique people in my life, I guess I have always taken it for granted. I guess it should really remind me how lucky I am to have the friends I do now. A long time friend of mine who I have kind of grown apart from, took me aside at newlarp, and he reminded me that no matter how horrible and sickening things may seem now, I have friends here, ones that will always be my friends, and I should never forget that. Over the past six years I have kind of drawn away a bit from my friends, but as friends they are, they are still there waiting for when you need them. To those that read this, and those that don't, I do truely thank you.

Now for something out of left field, I also found a notebook that contained a very funny memory. In my 8th grade art class, we had to come up with something original, nothing else to go on, just something original. So I went ahead and made up a fake band, complete with decorated album and song list. Just read this, and imagine this in a middle school art class! :)
The Bloody Sausages
1. Don't you hate it?(When you bite into a hotdog, and it crunchs).
2. Seconds on the bacon please!
3. Meat House.
4. Visit your Deli.
5. Mr. Butcher.(He's my real friend).
6. Suck my porkrind!
7. Your my kind of roast.
8. The USDA.
9. Bad news Beefsteak.
10. Sweet Meat!
11. The Tenderizer.
12. Slap my salami.
Singer: Jarod "Beef" Jerky
Lead Guitar: Sam Salami
Bass Guitar: Brett Beefstick
Drums: Ben Balonga

It made me giggle, hope it does for you too! :)

Keeping myself busy.

That's the best I can do. Everyone I talk to tells me this will take a long time before I stop feeling like shit. I think I need a neural drug to supress my feelings, that would fix alot of things!

NEWLARP was this past weekend. I had a pretty good time, even if it was a small turnout and a bit of a slower game. One thing I noticed right away was that I wasn't nearly as out of breath from running and stuff like I usually am, after only one week of exercising. It was weird talking to people I've known forever without her by myside, but I did get a talk to from a few people, which really did make me feel a bit better. Thanks.

I have decided to hold off for a bit on the Atkins diet. It's just too much of a total life change that I don't think I can handle right now. I'm going to stick to just eating better and working out 3-4 times a week for now. I'm going to slowly up my exercising to do a little more each week so that it doesn't get boring, and I don't stop pushing myself. I haven't decided if I want to stick to exercising at work, or checkout a local place. For now work is free and convient, even though it is weird showering at work :)

Other news, should be going to see X-Men 2 on Tuesday night, and then Matrix Reloaded Wednesday, both should be a blast! I'm not usually a big going to the movies person, but I think that has alot to do with my shitty work schedule. My schedule was awesome before when I was sharing my life with someone, but now it fucking blows. I'm gonna shoot for trying to get an earlier shift next time they do a schedule change. I take a small pay cut, but I think getting done at a decent time to go do stuff even on nights I work is worth it.

I'm posting this from a piece of shit computer in our breakroom at work, and the screen is actually blurry, ugh. It's giving me a headache so i'll stop the ranting here.

Non-whining about Her dumping my sorry ass post.

Yeah, enough of the posts, typing it out actually makes it worse it seems. It only brings up more in me than I thought I was gonna post in the first place. A simple couple of sentences long post turned into two paragraphs. Luckily for you the reader, I deleted it.

Still no idea what's up with the getting a roomate or moving out situation. I'll have to paitently wait to find out.

A long time friend of mine has been doing the Atkins diet for about four months now. It's worked very well for him, and I'm considering giving it a shot. I found out alot about the myths and such about the diet, the fears, the pros and the cons. I'm still undecided yet though, god I love potatos and bread... You know, I actually don't care if I lose weight so much as I just want to be healthier and more energetic. I think those two things alone would make me a happier person, and I guess that's what is important. Exercising has been going pretty good. I'm still just doing the bike and then treadmill although I did mess around with the stair climber and weight machine today just for a little bit. I dunno, we'll see how it all goes.

This weekend is the first of the two big tests. This weekend is NEWLARP, one of the monthly gaming events that we both attend. I think everything should go ok, it will depend more on others I guess. Regardless I'm planning on playing my character, so if it gets weird, I don't feel bad about walking out in the middle of the game.

I think that's all I really care to type about tonight, kinda tired. Good night.

P.S. Ana, if people have a problem with what you post on your blog, tell them to fuck off. Noone is forcing anyone to read anything, they do it because they want to. So they can get pissed at themselves and not you. You should not have to fear what you put on your blog if you feel what your typing is justified. Just look at the shit I put on here about my very personal life!

Rebounding.

I admit, before this past week I had maybe ever put two seconds worth of thought into exactly what 'rebounding' was, and ment. First, there has to be the person actually doing the rebounding. Secondly, the person they are rebounding from. Thirdly, the person they are rebounding to. To the person doing the rebounding it can mean many things. It can be a way of seeking a comfort to quicken the pain of an ended relationship. It can be a way of seeking what someone truely desired. It can be nothing to them, if they feel there is nothing to recover from. To the person being rebounded from, it also can mean several things. It could mean the person they lost may care deeply for them, but needs to seek something to blind them to their loss. They could think 'good for you, enjoy yourself, and don't worry about me'. Or it could mean that perhaps they really didn't mean as much as they thought to the other person, and that the pain possibly inflicted by it doesn't matter. I will withhold my thoughts on the final person, as it is too soon to rationalize. As for my thoughts on it? If you actually know me, you know the answer.

That was pretty much what was stuck on my mind for the second half of the day, I hope it makes some semblence of coherant thought.

Started the exercising today before work. They actually have a decent fitness room for the call center, and I made some good use of it today. Fifteen minutes on the exercise bike, and ten minutes on the treadmill. Not much to some people I'm sure, but considering how seditive I have been for the past forever, it was pretty energizing for me. I plan on doing it 3-4 times a week, the 4th day being Sundays, and that of course depends on what happens Saturday. I've also drank almost nothing but water, with a small execption of some juice and tea. Eating has been rough, but I've pulled it off so far. Little things like getting the grilled chicken instead of the fried, and getting stuff with no mayo, etc.. If anyone has any tips or ideas, feel free to pass them along to dusto@new.rr.com.

Almost 12am, and here I sit with my new Sponge Bob pajama pants, ranting away on this cool little invention known as the internet. Good night ya'll. Oh, here's a few test results.




Gotta Get Back, Back To The Past

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Pain.
Stabbing myself in the chest would have hurt less than that phone call. To be focused so much on what she lusts, and not what loves her. It is like a searing bullet to the heart.

Sleep.

That is all I wanted for today. For as I got to work, I will be there knowing that at the same time, she is here, removing the last of her possesions from our home. It is too real, and too overwhelming. I can not speak to her, I can not call, it is not fair to her. I dial her number all the time, but do not hit send. Some people I know tell me, "It will pass, don't be too hard on yourself." Some of them can relate, others can't. I would have rather not loved at all, than to lose the one I love the most.

Yes I would like you to be happy and fulfilled. I know I have made you so in the past, and I know I could in the future. So many times our bond was so tight. During your recovery of your surgeries, I was there, by your side. To help you recover and to support you emotionally. You have helped me further my life beyond what I would have possibly become, and for that I am forever grateful. I only wish you would allow me to change more, to fit your new taste.

Some would say I am lucky to have had such an experience with you, but the end is empty. Last week today, is when reality hit me like a sledgehammer. Sure we had been broken up for a few months, but it never quite set in. That is when she moved on, without me. I have been tossing and turning all night, thinking and dreaming of our times together. The good and the bad. There is so much good, and could be more. I am asking for one final shot at what can be.

Now to start the day off in such a horrible manner.... I am going to call her now.

"Nothing is impossible."

Those words, spoken to me only yesterday. If they have meaning or not, I can only hope.

Life is so fleeting, and means so little until you find the one. But in life's cruel twist of fate, you never realize he/she is the one until they are gone. You can only try to repair what was broken, and hope they can understand how much they mean to you.

A friend at work told me how he feels about everything, "Life is just an animated form of death." How true that feels right now.

Today would have been 6 years and 32 days

Of course I need to stop obsessing over her. Of course it is only destroying me. Of course I need to move on. Of course I can only pray to the fates to join us together once again. Of course nothing can every make sense again. Of course I really shouldn't be talking about stuff nearly this personal on here, but it's a form of therapy, and I can use as much of that as I can get right now. Each day as she takes more of her out of the apartment, it is only refilled inside me by an equal amount of pain.

Possibly the worst feeling in the world is knowing that I destroyed our relationship so long ago, and she put up with so much of my crap. Nearly as bad is knowing that I can make the key, the key of becoming who and what I should be, the key to undo the past, yet the lock is hidden from me, and will be out of my grasp as long as she wishes. My own impatience is what will destroy any chance of redemption, but... I am only asking for a chance. A chance to prove of what can be, and to what lengths I am willing to go. There is nothing I wouldn't do, yet I can only wait. I only wish I would have opened my eyes so long ago, and it did not take this to force them open. I would have gladly changed with you, but I didn't.....but I will. I just wish you could see beyond what blinds you so right now. I truely hope everything is not destroyed in the pursuit of what you behold in your sight.

Alas I will stop my ramblings, as I have already erased as much as I have written. Somethings are better not said on here... if only they could be said at all. To those who do not know me, I aplogize, to those that know me I only hope you can understand and allow things to happen. I shall slumber for what I can, and hope the nightmares will leave me with some semblence of sleep.

Good night my love.